Privacy Policy: The Worst One Ever™
Effective Date: The moment you even thought about visiting our website
Thanks for visiting!
Congratulations! By simply existing in the same universe as our website, you've automatically agreed to the most invasive privacy policy ever conceived.
What We Collect (Everything)
Internet Activity
Your search history, sites you've visited, your physical location at the time you viewed any website, your forumn posts, your online purchases, your bank account passwords, etc.
We reserve the right to purchase your data from, or hack and steal your data from, data brokers or any other party that may be holding data bout you. You agree we can de-anonymize any data we collect about you, your contacts, your family, and the squirrels nesting in your gutters.
Location Tracking
We track your location in real-time using GPS, WiFi triangulation, carrier pigeons, and interpretive dance. This data is immediately sold to your uncle Larry, who we've determined has a legitimate business interest in knowing exactly when you're at Taco Bell at 2 AM.
Haircut Monitoring
Our advanced AI continuously monitors your haircut quality through your device cameras, even when your device is "off." Each haircut is rated on a scale of 1-10 by our team of judgmental stylists, and these ratings are sold directly to the IRS as evidence of your questionable life choices. Bad haircuts may result in additional tax audits.
Driving Habits
We reserve the right to purchase your driving habit data from your auto manufacturer. We may use this data to set dynamic pricing for your fast food purchases, or simply to ridicule you.
Universal Agreement Clause
This privacy policy is automatically binding for any human who has ever used the internet for any purpose. You may dispute this within a 30-day window of your birth, by submitting a dispute request for trial by combat.
Alcohol Consumption Monitoring
Our browser cookies monitor your alcohol consumption by analyzing your typing patterns, purchase history, and the frequency of your late-night text messages. This data is sold to insurance companies and your mother.
Banking Information
We reserve the right to have full access to all your financial data at all times. We get informed by your credit card company about every purchase you make and where. We deanonymize any anonymized data and sell it to McDonalds so they can set the highest price you will pay when they recognize your face at the drive through.
What We Share
Over the previous 12 months, we have shared the following categories of personal information with third parties: Personal information and identifiers, protected classification information, commercial information, biometric information, network information, geolocation information, education information, buying habits, meal choices, your happiest days, your darkest thoughts, security footage of you from your cheap hacked aliexpress security camera in your living room.
Policy Updates: Transcending Time and Mortality
We reserve the right to update this privacy policy at any time, including retroactively before your birth (we have a time machine) or posthumously after your death (we have lawyers). By agreeing to this policy, you consent to all past, present, future, and hypothetical updates across all timelines and parallel dimensions.
Failure to comply with updated terms, even if you are deceased, unborn, or exist only as a theoretical concept, will result in penalty of death. Yes, we can kill you twice. Our legal team specializes in metaphysical enforcement.
Your heirs, ancestors, and any alternate universe versions of yourself are also bound by these updates. We've already sent copies to your past and future selves via temporal courier.
Dispute Resolution: Trial by Combat
All disputes arising from this privacy policy shall be resolved exclusively through trial by combat at dawn. No exceptions. We don't care if you're a pacifist. That just makes conflicts easier to resolve for us.
Champion Designation
Both parties may designate champions to represent their interests in mortal combat. You may choose anyone you like. We will choose our champion based on a complex algorithm involving intimidation factor, sword proficiency, and availability during dawn hours.
Corporate Abduction Rights
Our corporate security team reserves the right to abduct our champion of choice, regardless of their consent, willingness to participate, or current legal obligations. This includes but is not limited to: celebrities, professional athletes, your neighbors, random strangers, and that one person who cut you off in traffic last week.
We are not responsible for any resulting kidnapping charges, international incidents, or paradoxes created by abducting fictional characters.
Duel Logistics
Duels will be conducted at dawn because that's when the lighting is most dramatic. Weapons include swords, medieval maces, strongly worded letters, and passive-aggressive emails. Winner takes all data rights. Loser takes dirt nap.
Your Rights
You have the right to remain surveilled. Anything you do or say can and will be monetized against you in our court of public opinion. You have the right to an attorney, but we'll probably track their location and monitor their communications.
Contact Us
Don't. We already know what you're going to say.